Very quickly it turns out I had actually sprained my tendons in my left ankle, knee, and hip. Trust me it hurt. I had to wear a brace and can’t go back to working it until may. Unless I do water aerobics which I am considering. Anyways I have not weighed in but I’m sure I’m back up. I can feel it. So I wanted to ask does anyone have any fav recepies under 300 cal? Please let me know! :)

It’s been to long since Iv’e posted something on here just because I didn’t want to face the fact that I wasn’t making any progress. I look around amazing people who started at the same time I did and are just doing so well and I’m failing. I don’t want to make any excuses, I know I haven’t done what I have to and I’m falling back to old habits. It’s just a matter of doing it. I just feel so fat. I weighed in at 200 again. I went up 3 pounds in the last 5 or 6 weeks that I stopped working out. I guess it’s not that bad considering that I am eating shit, but I feel so defeated. My birthday is in less than 3 weeks and that was my goal and knowing that not only will I not reach it but the progress that I have made has been so small. :( I hate to think it but I know that a lot of people surrounding me don’t think I can do this. Including my doctors. I went because my leg has been hurting for 5 weeks now (hence the no working out) and all he said was “no high intensity workout because your weight messed up your leg” what the fuck am I supposed to do now? He said walk… can I still loose weight by simply walking? :( Even if I did fuck up, I’m going to keep pushing. I need to. I won’t be sitting on the sidelines this summer feeling sorry for myself. I hate the looks I get, and I hate wishing that I was someone else. Sometimes I wish I could have the strength to have a eating disorder, and I know I shouldn’t because it’s a real issue but I think that people would be happier that way. It sounds insane but it’s true. Iv’e had people tell me to just be bulemic already. Is it so bad that I still believe that I can loose this weight naturally? No pills or fad diets? So much on my mind. I can get back into it but staying motivated is the challange. I guess I just need someone to talk to. JUST ONE PERSON who is going though this and who can help me keep my head above water. 

*sigh*

-Les

Workout outfit

This week I really want to do everything right. Get back on it. I’m currently at 198 so this week I want to come in at 196. 2 pounds sound easy enough? I want to drink 4 bottles a day. Eat 2 fruits and 1 veg. (it’s not a lot but I’m starting small) and I want to give myself compliments for coming this far. I want to do my hair and makeup and put effort in my outfits. I want to be positive and try not to get angry or take things to seriously. Strive for success. I have everyone behind me now I have to be behind me too and believe I can do this. And I will. Reward for this week will be a bubble bath and a good book. :) let’s do this! Thanks to my new followers sorry I haven’t
Blogged in a while. Oh, I wanted to celebrate a mini victory because I it into a size 16 again! Amazing! :)

Just got home from Zumba master class 2 hours. I am so sore. Good night :)

So I didn’t work out or do anything last week cause I had a horrible painful abcess on my bum. I couldn’t sit, or stand or walk. It was horrible. It’s gone now and I am ready to go back to work. I don’t know if I gained anything but I doubt it cause all I did was eat special k like 2 times a day because I was asleep all the other hours. LOL. Anywho, I am back on it. Down to roughly a month for my bday. I know I won’t be at goal weight by then but at least, I will be thinner than I am now. So that is ALWAYS  a plus. Also, I don’t think how much people don’t appreciate how much of a win it is to just NOT GAIN weight. My mom always tells me to stop thinking of loosing & start thinking of not gaining. It’s true. I have a higher chance of being 300 pounds than for me too be 100. It’s just learning to love who I am that I am having an issue with. At least this week, I love myself. I like how I’m looking in clothes and I feel like doing my hair and make up. So that is a plus. I’m going to take it day by day. Even if it takes me years I will reach my goal.

:)

oh, finally please please sign the petition on google agains the SOPA/PIPA act. 

Here’s a vid. telling you about the acts and what they could mean for you. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tzqMoOk9NWc

k :)

-les

So I can fit into anything I want.

So I can look good.

So I can feel cute in lingerie.

So my bf’s shirts can fit me.

So I can make my bf happy.

So I can feel beautiful.

So I can get my confidence back.

SO THAT I WON’T BE HELD BACK OR JUDGED ON MY LOOKS RATHER THAN MY SKILLS.

So that I can be me again.

You know what sucks? How many people hurt you. I wish I had the will power to have a disorder but I don’t. I made a comment bout the commercials of Carl’s Jr. where they but models eating a burger and how unrealistic it was and that they probably just barf it all out. And my brother said “there’s your solution just eat and barf what are you waiting for?” and countless times Iv’e heard people encouraging me to do this. It really hurts me. I wish I had the willpower to do it, but I can’t. Can’t even do that right.

I’m just a fat failure. 

:/

sigh.

I have the most supportive amazing bf ever. I really appreciate and love everything he does for me

I guess there’s no real deadline to get to goal weight, but It was my initial goal to loose as much as a could for my 21st birthday. So far, I haven’t really lost more weight. I got down to 196 and then went back up to 200 right now. I guess it could be worse, so now I’m really kicking it into high gear but it’s hard. Mostly, the eating is what is killing me. I been eating junk food like crazy. This is my new years resolution eat out no more than three times a month. I think it’s something I can do. Once I do, I can get it down to twice, and then once a month and eventually I won’t feel like I need to. I really need to sit down and just re-evaulate why I’m not eating what I should. I also want to come up with my won meal plan. Counting calories works, when I went with my nutritionist she told me that I needed to consume balanced meals but under 1300 cal. She gave me the guidelines I just have to sit and think what I like and what I would eat and then match it to the resources she gave me. Aside from that (the obvious) I worked my ass of today with the owner of my Gym. She’s 60 and kicked my ass. I’m going again tomorrow because I know that I need it. It’s just that since I’m not at work, it’s easier for me to not go to the gym because I can decide to be lazy. I can’t use excuses I need to push for what I want for once. Anyways, I just wanted to say HAPPY NEW YEAR and Happy holidays. I know I’m late but I had no internet. I finally got some after nearly a year without it so I promise I’ll blog more (even if it’s just for me). Lastly, I wanted to thank my new followers thanks for following, I really need all the support I can get. Please don’t hesitate to message me or ask me anything even if it’s just to rant. <3 Ok nights people. I need to shower cause I stink. 

-Les

 I am appx. 3 months away from my bday. 3 FUCKINMONTHS! And 1 1/2 week to new years! I don’t think i’m gonna fit into my dress the way I planned. The only thing I can do is suck it up and go harder. I have all of Jan. to really kick it up a notch. Last time I weighed in I was at 196 but I know that I gained weight since the whole xmas parties and shit that has been going on. :/ I hate doing this to myself. I have to rediscover my motivation and really sit down and come up with a plan for myself. I also have to learn to accept that even if I don’t hit my goal weight by Marhc, I will be okay. Either way, I know that next year for Christmas I won’t have to struggle about what to wear. I’m gonna go shopping for new workout gear soon, maybe even next week, because my pants are falling all over the place when I dance. My shoes are so torn up too, so I need to do that. Anyways, thanks to my 3 new followers! :) I can’t do any of this with out you guys! <3

I’m gonna go workout now! So, I’ll ttyl! 

-Les